Once you have started to examine your relationship patterns as recommended in the last blog, you now have to get real with yourself. Now that you know that you subconsciously pick married men because they are "unavailable" and somehow "safe" or you need to be the "caretaker" or whatever you can no longer engage in this pattern without fully accepting the consequences of your choice to do so.
While some men and woman may lie about their relationship status there are usually indicators that (if you have been with a married lover before) you should recognize.
First if there are restrictions on when you can call the person and you only have a cell phone or work number this can be a huge red flag. The other flag can be if he gets you to pay for the evening out or gets you to put it on your credit card and offers to pay you later. These patterns are indicators that this lover wants no record of your date and or he is financially strapped as most married guys tend to be. Whether or not he tells you he is married you will find out eventually and you have a choice to make.
If you are already involved with a married man you then have to disconnect from that relationship. While this will obviously be painful for you and for him you must realize that to remain in that relationship is an inequitable exchange of energy that will result in disappointment and resentment over time.
Now that you know it is done you must stick to your guns. You must stop seeing the man no matter how much he tries to manipulate you and you absolutely must stop taking his calls. If you can do this he will tire of the lack of response and eventually move on to someone new.
The hard part for you is to regain your life as a single woman and yes it can be lonely. To deal with that feeling of loneliness you must get busy rebuilding your life. Find ways to meet new people based on interests and tell your friends and family what you are going though if you know that they will be supportive. While you do not want to air all the dirty laundry of the affair, you do need to vent your feelings and check in with yourself to make sure you do not slip back into old patterns.
This relationship with Mr Married has taken up a lot of time and filled many hours of your time. It is addictive and just like the alcoholic who calls her sponsor when she is feeling weak you need to find a good friend of counselor with whom you can do the same sort of thing. This confidant will hear you out and yet call you on your nonsense if you try to talk yourself back into the relationship with Mr Married. There is safety and strength in numbers. Do not try to do this difficult transition all on your own.
You will fluctuate from being strong to caving and you need others around you to keep you strong even when you do not feel you are. Saying no is just the beginning meaning it and sustaining it over the long term is what counts. You can say no and mean it and in doing so you will get your self-respect, life and happiness back.
